AUGUST 26 2010 OVERDUE UPDATE

I woke this morning at 5: 08am and laid in the dark staring at the ceiling. I immediately was overcome with a feeling that I cant explain. I don't know if it was just coincidence or something more but I felt like I needed to write about it. Mackenzie was killed on a Thursday morning on August 28th and I received the call at 5:08am. I know its not the 28th yet, so maybe it was just coincidence or a nudge to wake up and start writing again, seeing as I have been avoiding it so long. Lots of people have kept in touch, asking about my brother, updates on whats happening and just letting me know they are here. I appreciate all of those who remained and apologize that it has taken this long to get back to it. It has been difficult for me to write for several reasons, the main ones being embarrassment and shame. I know that I came back for the right reason but I cant help but feel these feelings, knowing that I have yet to finish what I set out to do. So really I guess it is the internal struggle that is driving me crazy. I know that I must see this through before I can step off again. My brothers life is first priority, regardless what it takes. We have been given the run around by countless doctors and organizations since my return. The one thing that we have learned is that what we need is not here in California. The average wait time for the transplant here is anywhere from three to five years. We have been researching other options in other states with two to three month wait times. So with this said, I will soon be living in either Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia or Missouri. It should take only a few months to get through the process and then I will restart my journey but this time from the east coast to the west coast. I will take the experiences/lessons learned from this journey and some cold weather gear and do it right and avoid the distractions that I allowed in this time. The reason I will start over is because I refuse to take away from my daughter and my journey by breaking it up in pieces for ANY reason. It will be executed the way it was originally planned and when I am feel Mackenzie and I have accomplished what we set out to do, then and only then will this be over. I will continue to blog daily to tell you about my brother and his progress and the things and people that I never had a chance to write about along the way. Some of these are great and some the exact opposite. From a childhood best friend that reconnected with me and then wrote and recorded a song in honor of Mackenzie that he named "Sunflower Roads," (I hope to get his permission to post the song and the words on this blog) to people that did unimaginable, selfish things to disrespect the journey and those involved in it and those supporting it. Also the love interest I gave up on along the trail and how hard the decision was and why I am okay with it, not to mention all of the other things that we didn't have the time to share. For those who were here and those still here, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your patience and your support and know that this is not over and wont be until I say it is. I am miserable but motivated for what tomorrow may bring and thinking of my baby girl always. Thanks for being here.

*I will always remember driving along Highway 1 near Big Sur with Mackenzie, my brother, sister and niece. We were on our way home from visiting our old home of Monterey where I was stationed in the mid to late 90's. I was trying to drive the winding road that traces 300 foot cliffs along the ocean. I had told Mackenzie no more candy or junk because she would get sick and there was nowhere to pull over. Without me knowing, "Uncle Eddie" is steadily handing her licorice on the side of the passenger seat and she was steadily eating it as well. Needless to say, she gets sick and has to throw up, so I pull over as far as I can to the cliffs edge. Did I mention it was night by now? So in the dark of night, I am straddling a three hundred foot cliff in Big Blue while my sister and niece holding Mackenzie's legs and body while she throws up out the window in the back and into the waiting ocean three hundred feet below. During the process, we almost get hit by a passing vehicle and become part of the real big blue. Thanks for the memories Ed. In all seriousness, Ed loved her and she loved Ed and he was a great uncle to her.....most of the time.