SOMEONE YOU NEED TO MEET

Something I have been looking forward to writing for a couple of months now but know that I cant do it the justice it deserves, I will try nonetheless. This is a part of my life that not many are aware of and it is long overdue. When I was sixteen years old and a sophomore in high school, I got my girlfriend of two years pregnant. Needless to say we were young and scared and unsure what to do, so we did nothing, all the while trying to hide this from our parents. We somehow were successful until about the six month mark. We both thought somehow that we were ready for this amazing gift and that we would all live happily ever after. Once our parents found out and they explained to us that we could never handle this great responsibility at such a young age and that we should give our baby up for adoption to a family that was unable to have children but very capable of raising a child in a loving home and able to provide the things we couldn't. After going around and around with our parents , we came to the conclusion that this would be the best thing for the baby and we reluctantly agreed to the plan. We were heart broken but a family was decided on before the birth and we had the opportunity to find out about them and we were both happy to know she would have every opportunity that we could not provide. My girlfriend was taken out of our high school and attended a different school and I remained at my school. One of my biggest regrets in life was the way I separated myself from the situation from that point. I was young and stupid but that is no excuse. I was embarrassed of what people would think of me, so I spent very little time with her. I was so worried about my reputation and how all this would effect me. I did still spend time with her but not near as much as I should have. When the big day finally came, I was pulled out of my auto shop class and driven to the hospital, where she was already in labor. This was the first time I realized just how terrible of a thing I had done by not spending every second with her. I was scared to death, so you can only imagine how scared she was. I jumped into it though and went through the being thrown up on, ice chips, scratching, yelling, and hand breaking squeezes, a small price to pay compared to hers. After a few hours our baby was born. It was a beautiful, perfect, little girl, the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She was named Julie and we were both able to hold her for a short while and then had to give her up to the adoptive family. It was the hardest thing we had ever done in our short lives. I remember leaving the hospital with such a feeling of loss, one that I would carry for years to come. My girlfriend and I stayed together for another year and a half or so after that but ended up unable to get along and so ended our relationship. A couple of years later I met my wife and we moved on with our life in the military and eventually had Mackenzie together. I never stopped thinking about Julie, I actually would dream of a day when we would see each other again. That day came soon after I left the military. She tracked me down after she had turned eighteen with the blessing of her family. We met in Laguna Beach and walked and talked and tried to cram the missing years into hours. I was so happy and so proud to see the young woman she had become. Her parents did an amazing job with her and I am sure that they are proud to be her parents. After weeks of trying to decide how to explain this situation to a young Mackenzie, I decided to inform her of her older sister. Soon after, at both of their requests, we all met for dinner. What an amazing evening to see these two together. They both brought each other flowers and drawings and letters, without either knowing what the the other was showing up with. They were immediately sisters making plans for the future. We spent some time together after that but kind of lost touch months later. It was probably my fault for rushing them together so quickly. Julie had alot going on in her life, as most girls her age do, and I truly believe that I helped confuse her even more. We spent the next couple years out of contact and both of our lives changed immensely. At the same time I was losing Mackenzie, Julie and her new husband were losing their child as he came into the world. A year or so later, Julie found out about Mackenzie and contacted me and told me of her tragedy and the next thing you know, it was time for me to step off on my walk. The last time I ever saw Mackenzie was in her moms driveway the day before she was killed and the last thing we spoke about in person, was Mackenzie's wanting to find Julie again, its what she always wanted. I kept in touch with Julie throughout my walk, actually walking while talking with her on the phone sometimes. I told her that I wanted to write about her and let everyone know about her but I wanted to make sure it was okay with her and her family. She has recently told me that she was good with that and here we are. I know this is what Mackenzie would want too and that she is looking at all of this with a smile. I have loved Julie since the first second I saw her and Mackenzie loved her from the second she heard about her and we will both love her forever. She wants to be part of us and we want to be part of her. I would love to have her involved with what I am doing and for her to meet all of you that support me and Kenzie. I would like her to be a part of the family that spans all states and many countries. It is a great feeling to know where ever you are, you are not far from those who care. Once she okays it, I would like to post her email and Facebook address on here. Never wait for tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 28TH UPDATE

Just a quick update to let everyone know what is happening. First let me apologize for not doing this sooner but things have been absolutely overwhelming for the last couple months, between trying to get my brothers situation handled and dealing with my own issues and other family issues, I haven't had the opportunity. I guess that's not completely true, I have had opportunity, just not the will to write due to my confusion, uncertainty, shame and total lack of knowing what to write. I can say with all certainty that this has been the most miserable and helpless time that I have ever experienced in my life. Since leaving the journey two and a half months ago, things have been a constant battle both mentally and emotionally. The process that we have had to go through just to have my brother evaluated and be determined to be disabled, has been an everyday battle, between countless hospitals, doctors, traveling back and forth , not to mention the unbelievable stacks of forms and application paperwork that have been filled out day and night. Having to have him "referred" in each step of the process, is a daily waiting game and headache not to be believed. This has been so difficult on him and my family that it has put my mom in the hospital as well. She is out now but the pure stress, frustration and heartache, landed her in the hospital for two days and scared the hell out of us and delayed our efforts. Then my older sister was hospitalized to take the focus off of my brother and on to her and she has been in and out of the hospital ever since and that also has really put a strain on our efforts, by somehow pushing my brother to the back burner. The selfishness I have witnessed since I returned cannot be put in to words and the frustration is enough to make one lose ones mind. As for me? Well, as I wrote earlier, its been nearly impossible. I started my and Mackenzie's journey to try and honor her and give myself the opportunity to try and find a way to live the rest of my life. When I left, I was seriously struggling trying to keep it together and knew I had to get busy living or get busy dieing. It really seemed that I was beginning to find some sort of peace being out there with just myself and no distractions.....well minimal distractions. When I realized the extent of my brothers problem, I had no choice but to put my life, my sanity and mission on hold and return home. This is where I belonged and it was my duty to be there for my brother and my mom. The hard part is that coming home only brought back the pain and misery that I was wallowing in before I left, not to mention the embarrassment and shame of not finishing what I started. It was so bad that the only time I left my house was for mission essential tasks because of the fear of running into people and having to explain what I was doing back not to mention Mackenzie's memories are everywhere I go. Now lets roll all this crap into one persons life and see what happens. I can tell you that it is enough to bring you from your knees to your face. I tried to sneak away for a weekend to where I was stationed in Monterey with Mackenzie, for some type of break for a weekend but ended up wanting to dig my heart out with a plastic spoon after that one. I deserved this for knowingly setting myself up for failure. I guess that is enough whining and feeling sorry for myself. So with that said, it seems nothing is going to help me until I finish what I started and that is the reason I will start our journey over in North Carolina and walk home to Laguna Beach California at the earliest possible date. The reason I will start over completely is I refuse to break up this journey into parts, this will be done the way I planned it, though it will now be east to west and in more inclement weather. It will be done right, having lessons learned help plan the journey. I will put myself on no time schedule and we will stop and smell the roses more this time rather than force march the country. There will be more opportunities to speak to kids now that all schools are in session. I will try to raise more money for the foundation due to the fact the first time raised about seven hundred dollars, hardly what I envisioned when I started all of this. To let you know, I have still received support and love throughout this ordeal and I am ashamed that I didn't return the calls , emails, etc. Understand that I appreciate and respect those behind myself and my mission and that I am now far enough away to breathe again and refocus on MY mission again. Oh, by the way, if I didn't mention earlier, I am in Georgia with one of my closest friends Kevin and his unbelievable family. Kevin and I served together here in Ft Benning Ga. and Iraq and Germany. Kevin is the one friend who met me in Arizona for ten days just to be part of what I was doing and to show his love for Mackenzie. Me being here is needed more than words can say. The pain I experience today is as bad as the day Mackenzie left. I am the most miserable person in the world, hiding behind my bullshit, finding time daily to be alone and break down like a child. I know this is not healthy but until I can do what needs to be done, I will continue to walk this road alone, hoping she understands. I am no good to anyone now and I can see this, but I know there will come a time when I will have something to offer again and that time will be soon I hope. I will find strength in what weakened me, the ONLY thing that could ever have weakened me. I will be out here trying to give the love I still owe and trying to make it home and make her proud. Thanks for being here and I will keep blogging to keep everyone informed and if there is no one, I will keep blogging so I can write what I cant say. I am hoping for a November departure, and an Indian Summer, it all will depend on my brother's situation which I will better understand in a few days when I arrive in Jacksonville. I am back, this time I promise it, once again sorry for the delay.