Tuesday, July 6, 2010
JULY 6TH 2010 DAY SIXTY SEVEN
This is my Blog for Sunday, 4th of July. I couldn't post it and didn't want to post it but I will stay in this hell I am in if I don't. Today my little girl would of been eighteen years old. Today she should of been eighteen years old. Today, somehow, somewhere, she is eighteen years old. I look for her everywhere I go, I see her in so many things that I see, as I continue on. I remember everything about her, I always will. I miss her birthday with her, sitting on the beach with her on my lap sitting against me, watching the fireworks light up the sky over the ocean. I miss her voice, her laugh, her smile, I miss her, every second of every day. I cant get past the fact that she is not here, really its the fact that she cant be here. My pain is not for me, it is for her. Right now she should be getting ready to begin college, something she was so excited about, even as a sophomore in high school. This is the time that her life was supposed to be beginning, college, her own place, new friends, studying for her career, her future. What was she going to do? Where was she going to go? I am so sorry that she will never know and so sad that we will never know. I said it before and it is just as true today, no one ever deserved to live and experience all that life has to offer more than her. She was so excited about the future and so ready for it. That's what makes me die a little more each day. Anyone that thinks these feelings pass with time has obviously never experienced this kind of loss. Today is the same as yesterday and tomorrow will be the same as the next . I must find myself again and that means keep moving. I thought I was making it off of my knees and on to my feet but when I looked down, I saw I was still on my knees. My friend told me I was getting gray in my hair and I did not believe him. The reason is because it has been that long since I looked in a mirror because I hate the person that is waiting for me there, full of hate, rage and anger. Today I look in the mirror, get on my feet and continue to march. I caught myself feeling sorry for me rather than her and it woke me up. I know she wants me to be happy, trust me, I know this, but it isn't that easy. I will try to be for her, but I cant see that far. So for now I will try to survive and see what our journey throws at me tomorrow. Happy Birthday Baby, I am trying and I love you more than life itself. You took half of my heart with you when you left. I miss you more than anyone could ever comprehend. You made me the proudest father ever while I had you here and I will walk with pride because of you, my little miss magic.
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You are so RIGHT...Keep getting out of bed,strapping your boots on,and moving forward...You are good father,son,brother,and friend. That didn't just start when you began your walk...That man has ALWAYS been there!! Keep searching for him and one day he'll be looking right back @ you...Or it could be your friend "Chance" you met at the parade in Denver...Just sayin!!!! Love you brotha..
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday, Mackenzie.
ReplyDeleteShe's not far from you, Lance. And she'll always be near you. Always.
One step at a time. You're going to make it.
Bam says when you make it to GA, you're headed to Harrell Hollow. Looking forward to meeting you when you get here. (Even if I am the crazy Dayum Yankee that his baby brother brought home...)
Wow bro that is a loaded blog, stay strong brother and keep you head up and your feet moving. Your an awesome dude, and have more cajones than most.
ReplyDeleteLet me know what I can do, also upon your return I should be in colorado NLT 1 oct so hit me up when youcome back
ReplyDeletehave faith that she is in heaven, and her happiness there is more profound than anything she could ever experienced here. having lost a child, i know some of your pain. cherish the time you had together and relish the memories. stay strong, and think of how you would want her to live if you had died. that is how she feels about you. she is watching you and i know that she does not like the dark place you are in. do as you would want her to do....and have faith that she is in
ReplyDeleteGod's hands.
lance , i wish i had the right words to help you make some sense of things. i do truely believe that you will always have your love for one another and that will never go away. you are in my prayers, take care cuz , love tommy.
ReplyDeleteYour words bring tears to my eyes and I can not get over the fact that you lost your little miss magic at such a young age. Our worlds collided in the worst imagineable way, and I hope it's OK to say that I will never forget. That awful morning still plauges my nightmares every time I sleep, but her beautiful face finds my smile. Please know you are in my prayers every single day. Upon your return home, I hope we can meet at the site and share a hug. Let's celebrate the life of little miss magic and remember all the other parents who have also lost a piece of their hearts, too. Don't lose hope; she walks with you every single day. I will never forget White Butterfly...
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