WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 28TH UPDATE

Just a quick update to let everyone know what is happening. First let me apologize for not doing this sooner but things have been absolutely overwhelming for the last couple months, between trying to get my brothers situation handled and dealing with my own issues and other family issues, I haven't had the opportunity. I guess that's not completely true, I have had opportunity, just not the will to write due to my confusion, uncertainty, shame and total lack of knowing what to write. I can say with all certainty that this has been the most miserable and helpless time that I have ever experienced in my life. Since leaving the journey two and a half months ago, things have been a constant battle both mentally and emotionally. The process that we have had to go through just to have my brother evaluated and be determined to be disabled, has been an everyday battle, between countless hospitals, doctors, traveling back and forth , not to mention the unbelievable stacks of forms and application paperwork that have been filled out day and night. Having to have him "referred" in each step of the process, is a daily waiting game and headache not to be believed. This has been so difficult on him and my family that it has put my mom in the hospital as well. She is out now but the pure stress, frustration and heartache, landed her in the hospital for two days and scared the hell out of us and delayed our efforts. Then my older sister was hospitalized to take the focus off of my brother and on to her and she has been in and out of the hospital ever since and that also has really put a strain on our efforts, by somehow pushing my brother to the back burner. The selfishness I have witnessed since I returned cannot be put in to words and the frustration is enough to make one lose ones mind. As for me? Well, as I wrote earlier, its been nearly impossible. I started my and Mackenzie's journey to try and honor her and give myself the opportunity to try and find a way to live the rest of my life. When I left, I was seriously struggling trying to keep it together and knew I had to get busy living or get busy dieing. It really seemed that I was beginning to find some sort of peace being out there with just myself and no distractions.....well minimal distractions. When I realized the extent of my brothers problem, I had no choice but to put my life, my sanity and mission on hold and return home. This is where I belonged and it was my duty to be there for my brother and my mom. The hard part is that coming home only brought back the pain and misery that I was wallowing in before I left, not to mention the embarrassment and shame of not finishing what I started. It was so bad that the only time I left my house was for mission essential tasks because of the fear of running into people and having to explain what I was doing back not to mention Mackenzie's memories are everywhere I go. Now lets roll all this crap into one persons life and see what happens. I can tell you that it is enough to bring you from your knees to your face. I tried to sneak away for a weekend to where I was stationed in Monterey with Mackenzie, for some type of break for a weekend but ended up wanting to dig my heart out with a plastic spoon after that one. I deserved this for knowingly setting myself up for failure. I guess that is enough whining and feeling sorry for myself. So with that said, it seems nothing is going to help me until I finish what I started and that is the reason I will start our journey over in North Carolina and walk home to Laguna Beach California at the earliest possible date. The reason I will start over completely is I refuse to break up this journey into parts, this will be done the way I planned it, though it will now be east to west and in more inclement weather. It will be done right, having lessons learned help plan the journey. I will put myself on no time schedule and we will stop and smell the roses more this time rather than force march the country. There will be more opportunities to speak to kids now that all schools are in session. I will try to raise more money for the foundation due to the fact the first time raised about seven hundred dollars, hardly what I envisioned when I started all of this. To let you know, I have still received support and love throughout this ordeal and I am ashamed that I didn't return the calls , emails, etc. Understand that I appreciate and respect those behind myself and my mission and that I am now far enough away to breathe again and refocus on MY mission again. Oh, by the way, if I didn't mention earlier, I am in Georgia with one of my closest friends Kevin and his unbelievable family. Kevin and I served together here in Ft Benning Ga. and Iraq and Germany. Kevin is the one friend who met me in Arizona for ten days just to be part of what I was doing and to show his love for Mackenzie. Me being here is needed more than words can say. The pain I experience today is as bad as the day Mackenzie left. I am the most miserable person in the world, hiding behind my bullshit, finding time daily to be alone and break down like a child. I know this is not healthy but until I can do what needs to be done, I will continue to walk this road alone, hoping she understands. I am no good to anyone now and I can see this, but I know there will come a time when I will have something to offer again and that time will be soon I hope. I will find strength in what weakened me, the ONLY thing that could ever have weakened me. I will be out here trying to give the love I still owe and trying to make it home and make her proud. Thanks for being here and I will keep blogging to keep everyone informed and if there is no one, I will keep blogging so I can write what I cant say. I am hoping for a November departure, and an Indian Summer, it all will depend on my brother's situation which I will better understand in a few days when I arrive in Jacksonville. I am back, this time I promise it, once again sorry for the delay.