JUNE 20TH 2010 DAY FORTY NINE

Today is Fathers Day and I don't really feel much like writing but I am going to anyways. First of all I would like to wish all fathers a Happy Fathers Day and this advice, no matter what, always take full advantage of this day. I spent this day with Mackenzie every year I could but never realized how much more it could have been, had I known what I know now. Don't get me wrong, it was always a great day that I will always remember, but I would gladly die tomorrow for just one more opportunity to be with her on this day and have the opportunity to receive one more of her home made cards that always meant so much to me. I still have everyone of them and will never part with them. She would even write on the back of them, "Mackenzie Cards Inc." All the cards and presents in the world can never replace the time spent together. If I knew what I now know, I would have started earlier and ended later. That is my outlook on everything now, in all things related to her. I fight everyday with turning back time, trying to go back, anything. One hundred times a day, everyday, I get to experience the thoughts of, if only I could go back to when this song was made or when this tv show was on or when this movie was made or anything you could possibly imagine like this. Don't end up like me, live it while it is here and cherish every second of it. I wish I could spend this day with my father also. He died when I was in high school and I had no more fathers days until Mackenzie's birth. I miss her more today than I ever have. I miss him today more than I ever have. My only hope today, is that they are together somewhere, enjoying each other on a day that once was ours. Parents, hug em today and let em know how much they mean to you. Kids, hug em and don't let go and let your parents know how much they mean to you, even if you don't always say it or show it. I thank you all for all of your well wishing and support and I thank you for being a part of day forty nine.

* I ALWAYS, without fail, ended EVERY conversation by telling Mackenzie I loved her. Be it in person, on the phone, or even text messages. It didn't matter if we were happy, sad, laughing, mad....ALWAYS. The only time I ever did not, was the last time I ever heard her voice, hours before she was killed. How is that fucking possible?I know that there was no doubt about my love for her , but I can't help but think that is what she was thinking about in her last seconds here. I can't forget, especially today. Try living with that everyday of your life, better yet.............make sure you never have to.

JUNE 19TH 2010 DAY FORTY EIGHT

Today was a day in waiting. I would like to say it was a good one, but there was wasn't much to it. Got lost in Denver and found myself in the middle of downtown as the gay pride parade was going on. That was different, and colorful to say the least. I can safely say that I did not see anyone I knew in the 38 seconds I spent getting around it. No jokes from the peanut gallery either. I can already hear my brothers Grand Marshall jokes. I spent the rest of the day planning, doing laundry and mentally preparing for the next leg, and whatever the VA holds in store for me on Monday. I am strong and preparing for tomorrow. Thanks for being a part of day forty eight.
* Mackenzie would have liked the scene I saw today downtown. Simply because she loved to people watch and there was some wild looking people and it was their celebration, she loved celebrations and she loved everyone, regardless of details.

JUNE 18TH 2010 DAY FORTY SEVEN

Well after 8 1/2 hours at the VA today, I have learned quite a lot. For starters, The VA Hospital in Denver, does not mess around. The entire 8+ hours that I was there, I was actively engaged in medical procedures of one type or another. That means no waiting around in waiting rooms or hurry up and wait. They are a well oiled machine and far superior to any VA I have dealt with in my experiences. The main reason for that is a woman named Claire Robert. She was put in charge of my care and take charge she did. She was without a doubt, a breath of fresh air in the normally broken health care field. I went in with the highest of hopes and I was not let down. Claire was professional, caring, understanding and completely competent. She ordered blood work and x-rays of my back, lower back and chest. She found that the problem stems from an injury I sustained while in the military, when my parachute collapsed one night on a rehearsal combat jump for Haiti, which resulted in me fracturing my spine and tailbone. I recovered enough to continue to jump and perform my duties in a physically demanding job, in fact, I was parachuted up and on the aircraft for the mission just days later. I will try to explain, what is wrong with me to the best of my ability. It seems that the damage has begun to take its toll. My spine at the sight of the injury is now offset and not perfectly straight anymore. The tailbone is also a problem because it is supposed to move as a single unit where it connects with the lumbar. Mine instead, moves moves in two parts and no longer has the space it is supposed to have in between. There is now a 6mm gap in the spine where it shouldn't be. There are also two joints that run down back and rear end, one on the left and one on the right. They are called the Sacro-iliac joints. It seems that the years of abuse of the body that I and others I served with, have taken their toll. The joints are showing degenerative joint disease and probable Sciatica and the beginning of arthritis in the spine. The good news is that my vitals and blood work are in the top 98 percentile. I received an injection of Toradol and a mild muscle relaxer to aide me at sleep time and a topical suave for leg pain. I could have the spinal injection done for relief, but it would be a 6 week wait at this particular VA. Claire is actually trying to find a doctor for me in the civilian sector that performs this type of procedure. That would allow me to continue moving early next week. She told me that the other option would be an oral steroid that I had a lot of experience with in the military called Prednisone, either way i will have a known remedy by Monday. Claire understands my situation and will do everything to keep me safe and capable to continue on our journey. She has, and is, going beyond the call of duty and I appreciate everything she has done for me, she is an extremely dedicated angel of a woman. I look forward to Monday and coming up with the correct solution. I knew that it wouldn't be great news, but it is something I can work on when I get back to California. I will keep everyone up to date and follow with timely blogs. I lost a friend today and I am okay with it. Thank you for being a part of day forty seven.
* When Mackenzie was about 12 years old, she was on a treadmill at a friends house. She slipped and fell and the machine continued to run. she was stuck on it while her stomach was essentially sanded down until they could get the machine off. She had some pretty good burns on her tummy but she got over it and got to where she could laugh about it. She was a tough girl.

JUNE 17TH 2010 DAY FORTY SIX

Thanks for being part of day forty six and yet another Lakers Championship.

* Yes Mackenzie was a Laker fan, as well as a Raider fan, and an Angels fan, just like her old man.

JUNE 16 2010 DAY FORTY FIVE

My leg has gone bad on me again, I knew hat what I had done was a temporary fix. What next? The final piece of the solution, the VA Hospital in Denver Colorado. Here I will get the help I need. Hopefully a spinal of some type or a cortisone shot. Which ever, I don't care, I will have an answer to what it is and a solution to the problem. My disappointment of not walking all of Colorado is heart breaking to me. My family was here every Christmas and Summer vacation of my youth at my family's horse ranch. I actually went to fourth grade here. I am going to visit that place and hopefully get some good pictures while showing Mackenzie this beautiful state, which in my opinion, is the most beautiful in the country.....well one of them. My appointment is tomorrow and I will let you know when I am finished, be it a day or a week in the hospital. I leave you with some pictures of Colorado and I thank you for being part of day forty five.

*Mackenzie loved horses, although we did not spend as much time with them as I now wish we did. I have some great pics of Mackenzie and horses in Big Sur that I will post later. I know she is amazed with all of the horses and all of the beauty....as I once again am.

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SILVERTON COLORADO WHERE I SPENT FIRST YEAR OF MY LIFE, VERY COOL

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looking down on Silverton

Durango

A great couple I met in Durango, he was someone put in my path to help me with my confusion

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Mesa Verde, Colorado cliff Dwellings

Mesa Verde Colorado where the Anasazi Tribe lived in the cliffs and fought off rival tribes until their unexplained disappearance off of the face of the planet

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Near Colorado, you can tell because the color change

Near Four Corners , where Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico and Utah meet in one common point

JUNE 15TH 2010 DAY FORTY FOUR

Mackenzie would have graduated high school today, Foothill High School refuses to mention her at the ceremony, they are on a tight schedule. Don't feel much like writing. Gonna find a bar and celebrate for her and forget about life for a minute.
*She always made me proud to be her dad.

JUNE 14TH 2010 DAY FORTY THREE

In Colorado now and I am gonna go up to Silverton to see where I spent the first year of my life at my Dads goldmine. It was a small town that sits in between 11, 500 ft and 13,000ft. My mom and brother and sister were there while my dad ran the company. I have heard the stories, I will now see with a grown mans eyes. Thank you for being a part of day forty three and look forward to pictures from there.
*I hope Mackenzie enjoys this as much as I am going to. We never got back to Bragg, where she spent her first years.