JUNE 20TH 2010 DAY FORTY NINE

Today is Fathers Day and I don't really feel much like writing but I am going to anyways. First of all I would like to wish all fathers a Happy Fathers Day and this advice, no matter what, always take full advantage of this day. I spent this day with Mackenzie every year I could but never realized how much more it could have been, had I known what I know now. Don't get me wrong, it was always a great day that I will always remember, but I would gladly die tomorrow for just one more opportunity to be with her on this day and have the opportunity to receive one more of her home made cards that always meant so much to me. I still have everyone of them and will never part with them. She would even write on the back of them, "Mackenzie Cards Inc." All the cards and presents in the world can never replace the time spent together. If I knew what I now know, I would have started earlier and ended later. That is my outlook on everything now, in all things related to her. I fight everyday with turning back time, trying to go back, anything. One hundred times a day, everyday, I get to experience the thoughts of, if only I could go back to when this song was made or when this tv show was on or when this movie was made or anything you could possibly imagine like this. Don't end up like me, live it while it is here and cherish every second of it. I wish I could spend this day with my father also. He died when I was in high school and I had no more fathers days until Mackenzie's birth. I miss her more today than I ever have. I miss him today more than I ever have. My only hope today, is that they are together somewhere, enjoying each other on a day that once was ours. Parents, hug em today and let em know how much they mean to you. Kids, hug em and don't let go and let your parents know how much they mean to you, even if you don't always say it or show it. I thank you all for all of your well wishing and support and I thank you for being a part of day forty nine.

* I ALWAYS, without fail, ended EVERY conversation by telling Mackenzie I loved her. Be it in person, on the phone, or even text messages. It didn't matter if we were happy, sad, laughing, mad....ALWAYS. The only time I ever did not, was the last time I ever heard her voice, hours before she was killed. How is that fucking possible?I know that there was no doubt about my love for her , but I can't help but think that is what she was thinking about in her last seconds here. I can't forget, especially today. Try living with that everyday of your life, better yet.............make sure you never have to.